ON AN AVREICH BECOMING A SHADCHAN [#16725]

There are so many older girls from good families who are sitting at home awaiting their bashert. The pain that their families have other them is so great. It is heartbreaking to me. Maybe it’s time for us Kolel avreichim to learn the art of being a shadchan (matchmaker), so that they can do active chessed with the families who are trying to marry their girls off? And they would be doing Torah and chessed at the same time. As difficult as it may be to learn the skills, perhaps it’s a mitzvah that has to be tended to because there’s not enough people doing it. Maybe every avreich should have a notebook and write down any names in it that he hears about? Or will it lead to bittul Torah and take him away from learning? Plus it also entails talking a lot to women. Perhaps it’s a great aspiration to have but there’s no mitzvah to be involved with this, because of these issues mentioned, and we can let Hashem do as He sees fit. What should be done about this?

When you try to approach any subject, first take apart all the factors that it involves. Let us think a little about what it means to be a shadchan. (1) If you will become a shadchan, you will be hearing information all day about people, both boys and girls. You won’t only be hearing their names, you will be hearing everything they do, their personalities, etc. (2) As a shadchan, you will need to convince both sides that the boy and girl are compatible with each other. But many times, when the details are given over, they are not accurate. Sometimes certain information isn’t conveyed, and sometimes the information is changed a bit or more than a bit, leading to misinformation that is being given over to any of the sides. (3) An avreich becoming a shadchan will mean that he will need to be having long, extended conversations with all kinds of men and women, and sometimes these are not just conversations but they lead to emotional connections that are formed. (4) You need to be prepared at any given moment of the day to give of your time and be available to both sides before a date and afterwards, to discuss it with both sides. (5) There are many other factors as well to consider, which are subtle.
An avreich, and any ben aliyah who is immersed in his learning, is really far away from doing the work of a shadchan. It is better that women should be involved with active shadchanus, and the woman’s husband can help her a bit by giving her ideas, but not more than that.