Question:
I think that I am on a whole different level than my friends in yeshiva, when it comes to my emunah as well as how much I know. I have learned so much about Avodas Hashem that I find it a bit difficult to open my inner world more when I am around my friends.
Another difference between me and my friends is that I am more of an intellectual type, so I try to understand each thing at its source, whereas my friends are more the “heart” type, and they tend to understand things based on a more emotional perception.
The rest of my friends are very involved and together with each other, and they will ask each other for advice. I don’t ask their advice, because I would feel uneasy relying on their advice, because they don’t seek to understand the root of a matter. They are certainly diligent in Torah study, but they are less intellectual. Since I like to understand the root of every matter I come across, it is hard for me to accept another’s advice, when I don’t understand the root yet.
As a result, when I learn b’chavrusa (together) with others, I learn only sefarim that about machshavah (deep Torah thought) and avodah. Currently, I am learning sefarim of machshavah and emunah, without a chavrusa. I think that it would be the same even I learned with a chavrusa. Certainly I would want a chavrusa to help me clarify and deepen my understanding of what I learn, but [I cannot find such a chavrusa in my yeshivah, because] my friends are more interested in “finding themselves” in their Torah learning. They are satisfied with understanding the simple meaning of what it’s written in the Gemara and then they continue.
I basically do not speak with my friends in my Beis HaMidrash about anything to do with Avodas Hashem, due to the aforementioned reasons. Another reason for this is because I feel that if I would speak to my friends about these things, they might get into long discussions with each other about the topics, and I feel that this would compromise on their Torah learning. Therefore I’m worried to bring my friends into thinking about these things. In addition, I think it’s better not to discuss with others about what I know and that it’s better to keep quiet about them, since the Mesillas Yesharim says that the more a matter is known, the more people tend to forget it. So I think that if I keep my knowledge hidden from others, I will able to build the thoughts further by keeping them “hidden” from others, even though I am not relating them to others.
I would be happy if the Rav can advise me on what I can do practically, and to give me the perspective which would help me solve my questions.
Answer:
Firstly, you need to examine if your separation from others stems from truly being on a higher spiritual level, or if it stems from gaavah (conceit). Or, it may stem from being too “closed up”.
On a practical level, it is recommended for you to find the one person whom you feel closest to, and to speak with him a little more than how much you personally would like to. You should also be aware that generally speaking, the more inner that a person becomes, in most cases he will also experience a certain loneliness. This is because even the inner world has an external and internal layer to it – this is written about by the Reshash – and it is very rare for a person to get to the internal layer of the inner world. Not always does a person merit to live in the internal layer of the inner world. For this reason, Chazal said, “Either a chavrusa (friend) or death.”
On the other hand, there is also an awesome holiness that can be gained from being alone from others. If a person uses the power of being “alone” correctly, he can penetrate very far into the inner world, into the very essence of the soul. One needs a very subtle balance betweeroi.rachamim010@gmail.comn inner solitude and connection with others. When one does connect to others, it must also be a subtle, refined kind of connection – for example, to associate with someone who is serving Hashem on a very inner level. In addition to this, one also needs to be able to have a “coarse” kind of connection, with more worldly kinds of people [and this completes the balance].
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