I think that I am on a whole different level than my friends in yeshiva, when it comes to my emunah as well as how much I know. I have learned so much about Avodas Hashem that I find it a bit difficult to open my inner world more when I am around my friends.
Another difference between me and my friends is that I am more of an intellectual type, so I try to understand each thing at its source, whereas my friends are more the “heart” type, and they tend to understand things based on a more emotional perception.
The rest of my friends are very involved and together with each other, and they will ask each other for advice. I don’t ask their advice, because I would feel uneasy relying on their advice, because they don’t seek to understand the root of a matter. They are certainly diligent in Torah study, but they are less intellectual. Since I like to understand the root of every matter I come across, it is hard for me to accept another’s advice, when I don’t understand the root yet.
As a result, when I learn b’chavrusa (together) with others, I learn only sefarim that about machshavah (deep Torah thought) and avodah. Currently, I am learning sefarim of machshavah and emunah, without a chavrusa. I think that it would be the same even I learned with a chavrusa. Certainly I would want a chavrusa to help me clarify and deepen my understanding of what I learn, but [I cannot find such a chavrusa in my yeshivah, because] my friends are more interested in “finding themselves” in their Torah learning. They are satisfied with understanding the simple meaning of what it’s written in the Gemara and then they continue.
I basically do not speak with my friends in my Beis HaMidrash about anything to do with Avodas Hashem, due to the aforementioned reasons. Another reason for this is because I feel that if I would speak to my friends about these things, they might get into long discussions with each other about the topics, and I feel that this would compromise on their Torah learning. Therefore I’m worried to bring my friends into thinking about these things. In addition, I think it’s better not to discuss with others about what I know and that it’s better to keep quiet about them, since the Mesillas Yesharim says that the more a matter is known, the more people tend to forget it. So I think that if I keep my knowledge hidden from others, I will able to build the thoughts further by keeping them “hidden” from others, even though I am not relating them to others.
I would be happy if the Rav can advise me on what I can do practically, and to give me the perspective which would help me solve my questions.
Firstly, you need to examine if your separation from others stems from truly being on a higher spiritual level, or if it stems from gaavah (conceit). Or, it may stem from being too “closed up”.
On a practical level, it is recommended for you to find the one person whom you feel closest to, and to speak with him a little more than how much you personally would like to. You should also be aware that generally speaking, the more inner that a person becomes, in most cases he will also experience a certain loneliness. This is because even the inner world has an external and internal layer to it – this is written about by the Reshash – and it is very rare for a person to get to the internal layer of the inner world. Not always does a person merit to live in the internal layer of the inner world. For this reason, Chazal said, “Either a chavrusa (friend) or death.”
On the other hand, there is also an awesome holiness that can be gained from being alone from others. If a person uses the power of being “alone” correctly, he can penetrate very far into the inner world, into the very essence of the soul. One needs a very subtle balance firstname.lastname@example.org inner solitude and connection with others. When one does connect to others, it must also be a subtle, refined kind of connection – for example, to associate with someone who is serving Hashem on a very inner level. In addition to this, one also needs to be able to have a “coarse” kind of connection, with more worldly kinds of people [and this completes the balance].