FEELINGS OF OTHERS [#15626]

I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s and the way we were taught to be sensitive to the feelings of others was being asked, and “how do you think I feel? The implication of being insensitive and obtuse aside, the message is that others should be paying attention to “how I feel.” I never bought into the women’s liberation movement and actually reel away from “how I feel” because that tool was used angrily on me by a parent when I was a child and caused me to have such low self-esteem and feel bad about myself. I would rather do without my needs being met than make anyone feel the way I felt from being told “how do you think I feel?” and “why can’t you just do what I want?” As a parent and grandparent, I am trying instead to highlight that I care about how others feel, that each person is a letter in the Torah and that we are forbidden to use a Torah that has even one letter erased or damaged. In my personal life this translates often to not having “how I feel” taken into consideration. I see that making such statements generates results because of the implication of inadequacy on the part of the listener, which is in essence a disrespect of that person; however, to me it puts the egocentric me in the center and I wish instead to be overlooking and do without, especially to focus on Hashem’s will and that He is doing everything, rather than cause another to feel inadequate and lacking and ashamed. After all He is doing everything and only does what is good. I recognize that in its practice, this could be an extreme on my part and so I am asking the Rav for the balanced approach to this because I remain often misunderstood and have to find in my heart compassion for the concealed light to deal with surges of constrictions, which is probably why Hashem is sending me the tests. And I have had breakthroughs on this using this approach. Again, my approach is to submit my will for “how I feel” to Hashem’s will that I stick to Torah, avodah, chesed and mitzvahs, and to do so with love and awe and trust. This has taken a lifetime to build to a level of sincerity, yet I see it as the uncorrupting of the women’s liberation movement and other activist movements of the sixties, where the assertiveness was taught so that “how I feel” became the important focus rather than what Hashem’s Will is. I find that being overlooking of the insensitivities of others and continuing to love with a full accepting heart seeing the good only in the other speaks louder than any assertive words I may have thought to say in the past, which seem to only lead to damages and fights. Shtika. Yet I still have a desire to be loved and accepted and treated with understanding (rather than with mocking or being treated “competitively” or manipulated like a piece on a game board, which I view as coming from Hashem to uproot what is concealed in my constricted egoistic responses) and for this reason I ask. Is this balanced properly, and Hashem will decide if these people be the way He sends love to me? I have bitachon in this because I have experienced it before and have thanked Hashem many times. Or, in a case where there seems to be more influences and for a longer period of time, is it that Hashem wants me to communicate “how I feel” in some way? Or only to Him to free myself from the evil within me that identifies with the subconscious ego image, binding myself to Him by doing mitzvahs with the vitality of what is otherwise trapped vitalizing the pain and humiliation, thereby revealing Hashem’s compassion? If I am to say something to ease the matter (compassionately of course), where can I learn to say it without generating destruction or being inflammatory? My emunah tells me to just be silent and loving, sincerely, as an emanation of Hashem and “take” whatever happens and keep unifying it back to Hashem, building relationship with Hashem and erasing what the women’s liberation movement put into our views, that others should consider “how it feels to me” or else they are obtuse and to blame. In this way I do tikkun for my generation and heal my early attachments that were so painful and confusing. Does the Rav agree?

1) There is a faculty of the soul that acts shelo lishmah, to increase our sense of “I”, and there is a soul faculty of lishmah which is to nullify our I. It is also known in terms of ani (I) versus ayin (nothing). A person’s avodah is to recognize his soul faculties, to know his percentages of ani and ayin ¬– the extent of how much he focuses on his “I” as well as the extent of how much he is able to nullify that “I” – and gradually one should try to minimize his ani and increase the ayin.
2) Remain inwardly and calmly connected to your “I” and be clearly aware that “This is my level, with regards to my “I”, with the awareness that “According to my current level, this is what Hashem wants from me to do.”
3) A balance is needed (as mentioned above). To be drawn a bit much to acting from a place that’s above your level, is not the will of the Creator.