QUESTION:
We are a family of baalei teshuvah and we moved to Eretz Yisrael in the hope of integrating with Chareidi society. However, my son is having a hard time in yeshiva here, he’s tired all the time and he gets up late, he’s not focusing on his learning, and he’s overly concerned about his social stance with others and if he appears dressed “Chareidi” enough for his friends. On one hand we’re very happy that we’re living in Eretz Yisrael where Hashem wants us to be, but at the same time we feel out of place here amongst Chareidi society. Our son is trying so hard to fit in, but it’s never enough. We’re constantly feeling left out and turned down.
It seems like we have much more problems than your average person. We have aspirations to grow, and we even had a lot of siyata d’shmaya from Hashem to get to where we are today, and we feel that Hashem was with us every step of the way. But on the other hand we feel like we need to so much work on ourselves and that we need to come out of so many old childhood habits. We struggle with many issues and certain middos that are easy and natural for Chareidim to deal with but which are much more difficult for us to deal with and fix, given our not frum background.
I also understand that corona has created all kinds of new opportunities to do teshuvah and that it has shown us who we truly are, though the picture isn’t clear yet. We really want to work on ourselves and do what Hashem wants from us. What is it that we need to fix exactly, and what can we tell our children to help them integrate better with their peers and environment?
It seems like we have much more problems than your average person. We have aspirations to grow, and we even had a lot of siyata d’shmaya from Hashem to get to where we are today, and we feel that Hashem was with us every step of the way. But on the other hand we feel like we need to so much work on ourselves and that we need to come out of so many old childhood habits. We struggle with many issues and certain middos that are easy and natural for Chareidim to deal with but which are much more difficult for us to deal with and fix, given our not frum background.
I also understand that corona has created all kinds of new opportunities to do teshuvah and that it has shown us who we truly are, though the picture isn’t clear yet. We really want to work on ourselves and do what Hashem wants from us. What is it that we need to fix exactly, and what can we tell our children to help them integrate better with their peers and environment?
ANSWER:
Firstly, you should be credited in that have accomplished a lot so far throughout your journey through life and you have shown exemplary mesirus nefesh (self-sacrifice) for Hashem, from how you started out and until now.
For most people who try to integrate themselves into Chareidi society in Eretz Yisrael, the process does not go smoothly and pleasantly. The environment here does not fit everyone’s personality, and in fact, it is not for everyone. The proper attitude to have is that instead of trying to fit into society here, you need to be focused on how you can personally become closer to Hashem, and you can use Chareidi system and schools according to your abilities as a tool to get closer to Hashem. However, you should not be trying to fit in totally with Chareidi society, because in most cases when people try to do this, they become very disappointed and miserable in the process. Your main drive should be to build and develop your own self, along with making sure that you have some friends who share similar goals to you, and you can also try a little to integrate yourself with the Chareidi environment as much as needed. Accordingly, you can then know where you should live, which schools you should be sending your children to. It’s not always best to look for the “best school” that has the highest success rate.
Concerning your son, you should also find a study partner for your son, and he should be someone who is married, with a warm and understanding personality, who can create a relationship with your son and tutor him, and to be a friend to him for life. This will hopefully help your son develop into his own unique personality and an inner world of his own, so that he isn’t mainly concerned about how well he is competing with his peers.
For most people who try to integrate themselves into Chareidi society in Eretz Yisrael, the process does not go smoothly and pleasantly. The environment here does not fit everyone’s personality, and in fact, it is not for everyone. The proper attitude to have is that instead of trying to fit into society here, you need to be focused on how you can personally become closer to Hashem, and you can use Chareidi system and schools according to your abilities as a tool to get closer to Hashem. However, you should not be trying to fit in totally with Chareidi society, because in most cases when people try to do this, they become very disappointed and miserable in the process. Your main drive should be to build and develop your own self, along with making sure that you have some friends who share similar goals to you, and you can also try a little to integrate yourself with the Chareidi environment as much as needed. Accordingly, you can then know where you should live, which schools you should be sending your children to. It’s not always best to look for the “best school” that has the highest success rate.
Concerning your son, you should also find a study partner for your son, and he should be someone who is married, with a warm and understanding personality, who can create a relationship with your son and tutor him, and to be a friend to him for life. This will hopefully help your son develop into his own unique personality and an inner world of his own, so that he isn’t mainly concerned about how well he is competing with his peers.
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