QUESTION:
For a long time now I feel like being in yeshiva “stifles” me and places me into a profound exile, in which I can’t be who I truly am. When I daven in yeshiva I feel like I can’t daven with all my heart and that I can’t shuckle as I would like to. I am always busy thinking “What do others think about me?” I don’t know what I should do – does Hashem want me to just be a normal person and be like everyone else in the “chevra” who aren’t into deep thought like I am and who aren’t into pnimiyus, who are just learning 3 regular normal sedarim a day and they feel fine as long as they keep to all the sedarim knowing that they’re doing what’s expected of them and that’s it? Do I need to be that way also…? Understandably every person has to become a yachid but that would mean that a person needs to separate from the chevra, especially if he’s beginning to become more independent and original in his ruchniyus as he would like to, but then he’s deemed strange and weird in the eyes of others and he’s not doing what’s socially acceptable. So what should a person do when he’s a more internal kind of person and he wants to be more himself but it’s not socially acceptable amongst his friends to be himself and he would just be weird in their eyes if he starts being more himself?
ANSWER:
It is forbidden for one to hold himself back from his personal share on this world. But a person needs to hide himself a bit from others as much as possible. Every so often he should daven somewhere else [where he can be more ‘himself’ when he davens]. He can also consider other kinds of change, as long as those changes don’t cause him to lose his balance with his family, and as long as he considers all the details and doesn’t make drastic changes that will throw him off balance (because sometimes, changes can be more damaging to the person than any gains that he will have from them).
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