QUESTION:
I am a 26 year old married woman from a Chassidic community where all the women, including the Rebetzin, wear sheitels (wigs). I very much want to wear a teichel and to stop wearing a sheitel. I connect very much with wearing a teichel as opposed to a sheitel, and I feel very strongly that it is wrong to wear sheitels. When I visualize myself wearing a teichel, I feel much more like a queen, like a true daughter of the king. For me, giving up my sheitel to wear a teichel wouldn’t even feel like “giving a korbon” to Hashem, because it wouldn’t be mesirus nefesh for me [I wouldn’t feel like I am giving up anything, because it feels natural to me to do so]. I simply want to be “myself”, to act more like my true self which is pure.
However, I wouldn’t feel comfortable to make such a move, because that wouldn’t be acceptable in my community – for two reasons. First of all, I feel that doing so would be disrespectful to my community and to my Rebetzin, because it would seem that I am acting “holier than thou” – although that’s not my intention. Secondly, it’s important to be a part of the community, and by wearing a teichel I would be separating myself from my community.
Should I continue wearing a sheitel? If yes, then how I can feel at peace with this? I feel that I simply cannot continue wearing a sheitel anymore. But if that is what the Torah wants from me, then I want to know how to do it in a way that I can be serene with it. Much thanks to the Rav for giving of his time to answer me.
However, I wouldn’t feel comfortable to make such a move, because that wouldn’t be acceptable in my community – for two reasons. First of all, I feel that doing so would be disrespectful to my community and to my Rebetzin, because it would seem that I am acting “holier than thou” – although that’s not my intention. Secondly, it’s important to be a part of the community, and by wearing a teichel I would be separating myself from my community.
Should I continue wearing a sheitel? If yes, then how I can feel at peace with this? I feel that I simply cannot continue wearing a sheitel anymore. But if that is what the Torah wants from me, then I want to know how to do it in a way that I can be serene with it. Much thanks to the Rav for giving of his time to answer me.
ANSWER:
There is such an approach called mesirus nefesh (self-sacrifice) in which one is able to be so dedicated to the cause that he doesn’t need to take any factors into account. However, that approach is dangerous for most people to take. Of this it is said, “Many tried to do like Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, and nothing arose in their hands” [they were unsuccessful].
There is a second, alternative path to take: to take small steps forward, to make slow, gradual changes in one’s behavior. In your case, this would mean that you can try wearing a teichel only sometimes, and slowly you can increase it.
There is also a third path to take, which is based on what Yaakov Avinu said [to Rochel]: “I am his brother in trickery,” which means that [a person is allowed to deceive others when necessary. For example, in your case,] a woman can wear a teichel and she doesn’t have to say her true reason in wearing it. She can just say, “Oh, I forgot [to put on my sheitel, so I’m wearing a teichel]”, or “I didn’t want my sheitel to get ruined, so I’m wearing my teichel instead”, or, “My sheitel doesn’t hold good on my head, so I’m wearing a teichel.” This approach is not the most elevated approach to take, but it is the level for most people.
There is no problem of “separating from the community” if people in the community are dressing immodestly, in a way that goes against halachah, and you don’t conform. However, since you are in this community, you should understand the ramifications of what you want to do, how it will affect others. For example, how will your behavior affect your husband’s standing in the community? How will the schools treat your children? This is especially a concern if anyone in the community feels that you are going against them. This is a matter which needs a lot of wisdom about life, to decide properly on how you should act, in a way that allows for both truth and peace. You also need to discern if this will harm your marital peace. You should make your decision from a calm, settled mind, and from clarifying your soul capabilities – your decision should not come from emotional reaction. In addition, you also need wisdom and subtlety to know if your actions will affect your community and those who are in charge of it. It is a subtle and a sensitive matter, and you will need a lot of inner understanding in order to come to a proper decision about this, so that no harm chas v’shalom should result from it.
There is a second, alternative path to take: to take small steps forward, to make slow, gradual changes in one’s behavior. In your case, this would mean that you can try wearing a teichel only sometimes, and slowly you can increase it.
There is also a third path to take, which is based on what Yaakov Avinu said [to Rochel]: “I am his brother in trickery,” which means that [a person is allowed to deceive others when necessary. For example, in your case,] a woman can wear a teichel and she doesn’t have to say her true reason in wearing it. She can just say, “Oh, I forgot [to put on my sheitel, so I’m wearing a teichel]”, or “I didn’t want my sheitel to get ruined, so I’m wearing my teichel instead”, or, “My sheitel doesn’t hold good on my head, so I’m wearing a teichel.” This approach is not the most elevated approach to take, but it is the level for most people.
There is no problem of “separating from the community” if people in the community are dressing immodestly, in a way that goes against halachah, and you don’t conform. However, since you are in this community, you should understand the ramifications of what you want to do, how it will affect others. For example, how will your behavior affect your husband’s standing in the community? How will the schools treat your children? This is especially a concern if anyone in the community feels that you are going against them. This is a matter which needs a lot of wisdom about life, to decide properly on how you should act, in a way that allows for both truth and peace. You also need to discern if this will harm your marital peace. You should make your decision from a calm, settled mind, and from clarifying your soul capabilities – your decision should not come from emotional reaction. In addition, you also need wisdom and subtlety to know if your actions will affect your community and those who are in charge of it. It is a subtle and a sensitive matter, and you will need a lot of inner understanding in order to come to a proper decision about this, so that no harm chas v’shalom should result from it.
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