QUESTION:
A few years ago, I befriended a young teenage boy who looked a bit “at risk” and in need of counseling. He was falling in with the Internet and his ruchniyus (spiritual situation) was plummeting downhill. I felt sorry for him and began to look after him. I learned with him b’chavrusa (as a Torah learning partner) every day. The problem was that he began to feel like he depended on me, and at an alarming level. He would buy gifts for me. He would order hot meals to my house. And if I wouldn’t answer his phone calls as soon as he called, he immediately said to me, “So you don’t really love me. That’s why you don’t answer right away.” He would always ask me: “What does your wife think of me? What does she think of our friendship?” And he would greet my wife in the street and then tell me that he saw her and greeted her. Every movement I made and every word I said to him was immediately analyzed by him, to see if I “loved” him or not.
When I realized that this was getting too much for me, I became afraid of continuing my relationship with him, but then I immediately felt guilty for not saving his ruchniyus. Still, I began to slowly cut back on how much time I spent with him, and I would only learn with him a few times a week instead of every day.
His reaction to this was: “You don’t really love me.” I explained to him that I simply couldn’t learn with him every day anymore, and he would keep repeating to me “So you don’t really love me.” Then I decided I had enough, so I stopped learning with him altogether. He went and told everyone that I betrayed him. People were calling me and telling me that I’m a rasha for abandoning him. He also caused a fight in my family, by going over to one of my brother-in-laws and telling him that that I hated that particular brother-in-law.
I later moved to a different city, and had nothing to do with him for 3 years. Then I had to come back for some time, and he began to badmouth me again to everyone, telling people in shul and in my neighborhood how terrible I was. People told me that he was literally crying to them about me about the pain that I caused him for suddenly abandoning him. I attempted to form a light, casual relationship with him, but he still felt that I had betrayed him and he was not ready to form a close, comfortable relationship with me again.
That is the outline of the story, and I remain with 3 questions. (1) What is the source of being emotionally dependent on another? What is the spiritual source of it? (2) How can a person prevent another from becoming emotionally dependent on him? (3) What is my avodah as the one who gets pursued by others who form a dependency on me?
I should point out that in addition to this person, there are at least 9 different people who developed a dependency on me, some more and some less, but not nearly enough as the person in this story. I feel like there’s something I need to fix, and to cut off any relationship that is made against my will, when I see that I don’t have any other choice but to put an end to the relationship. Yet I also feel that if Hashem was the One who created the relationship between me and the other and it all came from Him, maybe there’s a connection that’s supposed to be made between my neshamah and the neshamah of the other who feels dependent on me, and perhaps it would be wrong for me to put an end to the relationship, in spite of all the issues it caused me.
I can really use the Rav’s guidance on this matter, thanks.
When I realized that this was getting too much for me, I became afraid of continuing my relationship with him, but then I immediately felt guilty for not saving his ruchniyus. Still, I began to slowly cut back on how much time I spent with him, and I would only learn with him a few times a week instead of every day.
His reaction to this was: “You don’t really love me.” I explained to him that I simply couldn’t learn with him every day anymore, and he would keep repeating to me “So you don’t really love me.” Then I decided I had enough, so I stopped learning with him altogether. He went and told everyone that I betrayed him. People were calling me and telling me that I’m a rasha for abandoning him. He also caused a fight in my family, by going over to one of my brother-in-laws and telling him that that I hated that particular brother-in-law.
I later moved to a different city, and had nothing to do with him for 3 years. Then I had to come back for some time, and he began to badmouth me again to everyone, telling people in shul and in my neighborhood how terrible I was. People told me that he was literally crying to them about me about the pain that I caused him for suddenly abandoning him. I attempted to form a light, casual relationship with him, but he still felt that I had betrayed him and he was not ready to form a close, comfortable relationship with me again.
That is the outline of the story, and I remain with 3 questions. (1) What is the source of being emotionally dependent on another? What is the spiritual source of it? (2) How can a person prevent another from becoming emotionally dependent on him? (3) What is my avodah as the one who gets pursued by others who form a dependency on me?
I should point out that in addition to this person, there are at least 9 different people who developed a dependency on me, some more and some less, but not nearly enough as the person in this story. I feel like there’s something I need to fix, and to cut off any relationship that is made against my will, when I see that I don’t have any other choice but to put an end to the relationship. Yet I also feel that if Hashem was the One who created the relationship between me and the other and it all came from Him, maybe there’s a connection that’s supposed to be made between my neshamah and the neshamah of the other who feels dependent on me, and perhaps it would be wrong for me to put an end to the relationship, in spite of all the issues it caused me.
I can really use the Rav’s guidance on this matter, thanks.
ANSWER:
(1) Sometimes this problem [being co-dependent others] comes from lack of self-confidence. Sometimes it is coming from the need to feel dependent on HaKadosh Baruch Hu being channeled in the wrong direction. (2) To prevent this problem from occurring [in which another is feeding on you for emotional stability], you need to set forth clear boundaries from the start, and along with this you should seek to build the other person’s soul, slowly building him up. (3) Set forth clear boundaries and also give the other the strength to build himself up. As a general note, create a situation of building the other person, as opposed to “helping” him.
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