QUESTION:
ANSWERED PRAYERS & BEYOND FRUSTRATED
ANSWER:
ED PRAYERS & BEYOND FRUSTRATED
I recently asked the Rav about my frustrations (Q&A 13833 – How Do I Get Close to Hashem) that I have because of all my unanswered tefillos for ruchniyus and in the lack of relationship that I feel with Hashem because I don’t get anywhere with my tefillos, and the Rav answered me how the main point of life is to keep developing a relationship with Hashem. However, this answer only explains how all physical concerns and physical difficulties are really meant to uplift us closer to Hashem and not distance us from Him, how in spite of physical challenges or suffering we should still learn Torah with exertion and we get closer to Hashem. This is not really a deficiency, though, because it’s just temporary, more or less. I was asking about things that I’m missing in my ruchniyus.
It’s certainly not a good thing that a person is far from Hashem and from the Torah. A person needs ruchniyus in order to live a true life. If a person doesn’t understand his learning and is asking Hashem that he should understand his learning, or if he only understands his learning a little and he wants to understand it better, and his tefillos aren’t being answered, it’s certainly not a good thing. If he’s asking Hashem for a chavrusa or for a Rav and he still doesn’t have one no matter how much he davened for this, that means he doesn’t have enough Torah in his life and then he will be distanced from Hashem, because it’s only the Torah that purifies a person and he doesn’t have it, so he remains in a bad situation. There’s nothing worse than missing Torah in one’s life, and if a person doesn’t have enough Torah in his life no matter how much he davens for it, he’s certainly missing something big and it’s not a good thing for him to be in this situation, as we can see with what happens to people who don’t learn. So it’s doesn’t make sense how Hashem doesn’t answer all my tefillos. I am one of His children and asking Him for siyata d’shmaya - why am I not being answered? It’s a strong question. Not only that, but Hashem Himself commands us to want this and He wants it more than His children want it, and He knows how much good will come from the Torah if His children are successful in it, especially in this generation where the only true way to be a ben Torah is to be in the beis midrash and learn Torah diligently amidst closeness to Hashem, and we can see simply how in this generation so many are sad because they don’t have this, or they are sinking lower because of this deficiency, each person on his own level. Why does Hashem allow this to go on?
2) I am aware that when a person is missing something, this can be a catalyst for developing more of a relationship with Hashem, but if a person is missing something for a long time no matter how much he davens to get it, his connection to Hashem will weaken because he feels that he is far from Hashem because Hashem isn’t answering him. Certainly every case is different and it depends on what a person is missing and how much he is davening for it, it depends on the person and on how much he davened, but generally that is feeling, that a person will feel so far from Hashem when he isn’t being answered no matter how much he davens.
3) Talking to Hashem throughout the day would make sense if it’s a two-way street (so to speak) in the relationship with Hashem, but if one’s relationship with Hashem feels like a one-way street, where a person just talks and talks to Hashem and nothing is happening from all of his tefillos, there’s no relationship being created from this. The opposite happens, in fact. At first I used to daven so much to Hashem, but as time went on I stopped myself and thought, “Is anything really happening from all of this? What changed? Are my tefillos being accepted? Is Hashem speaking back to me? Maybe in previous generations this worked, and maybe there are a few special people in today’s times who this works for, but not in today’s times!” This is what it seems to be…
ANSWER
Even what we are missing in our ruchniyus is good for a person. It is through missing these things that one rises higher in the end, because it makes him yearn for even more ruchniyus. “More light comes from darkness.” Light (success) comes from darkness (failures and difficulties), be it physical darkness or spiritual darkness (one’s spiritual shortcomings). The light that comes after one’s darkness is a much greater light than any light which isn’t preceded by darkness. All of one’s spiritual difficulties, which are a form of darkness, are the tools by which a person can receive a greater light, which he wouldn’t have been able to receive had he not gone through the hard work of trying to remove his spiritual darkness.
Think well about these words, and then your perspective will change about your situation. It will be a truer perspective than the way you are seeing your situation of ruchniyus right now. It is upon you to gain this perspective of יתרון אור מהחושך, that more light comes precisely from darkness. In addition to that, the Ramchal writes in Derech Hashem and Daas Tvunos two general reasons why we need to undergo exertion and challenges in serving Hashem. (1) Because good cannot come to a person unless he first undergoes difficulty and tests – it doesn’t come to his as a gift. (2) So that it shouldn’t feel like nahama d’kisufa, “bread of shame”, meaning that if he doesn’t work hard to succeed, he will feel ashamed, because a recipient feels embarrassed to take something from his giver when he doesn’t deserve it at all. That is why hard work is needed in order to get anything good.
2) You feel like you have davened so long for the things you are asking for and that it’s taking too much time, but that’s all according to the way you understand it. Hashem has endless reasons, because He is called EinSof (Infinite), and according to His thinking which is infinite, the amount of tefillos that you need to spend on davening for something is the exact amount that you need to be putting it, nothing less and nothing more. You need to believe that this is all for your ultimate good. And Chazal taught that some tefillos are answered right away while other tefillos are answered at a later time. A tefillah may be answered 20 years later – and it’s all for your good, even for the good of your ruchniyus.
3) The purpose of davening to Hashem personal tefillos is not mainly so that your tefillos will be accepted and answered. It is all a tool to create a relationship with Him. So the main thing is not to request of Hashem, “Give me this and give me that”. Rather, the purpose is to speak with Him. Examples include thanking Him for what gave you, telling Him everything that is happening to you, and amidst that conversation with Him you can also include requests to Him. What is needed here is a change of perspective. Change you way you think about it – see it all from a different perspective, one which is far deeper.
I recently asked the Rav about my frustrations (Q&A 13833 – How Do I Get Close to Hashem) that I have because of all my unanswered tefillos for ruchniyus and in the lack of relationship that I feel with Hashem because I don’t get anywhere with my tefillos, and the Rav answered me how the main point of life is to keep developing a relationship with Hashem. However, this answer only explains how all physical concerns and physical difficulties are really meant to uplift us closer to Hashem and not distance us from Him, how in spite of physical challenges or suffering we should still learn Torah with exertion and we get closer to Hashem. This is not really a deficiency, though, because it’s just temporary, more or less. I was asking about things that I’m missing in my ruchniyus.
It’s certainly not a good thing that a person is far from Hashem and from the Torah. A person needs ruchniyus in order to live a true life. If a person doesn’t understand his learning and is asking Hashem that he should understand his learning, or if he only understands his learning a little and he wants to understand it better, and his tefillos aren’t being answered, it’s certainly not a good thing. If he’s asking Hashem for a chavrusa or for a Rav and he still doesn’t have one no matter how much he davened for this, that means he doesn’t have enough Torah in his life and then he will be distanced from Hashem, because it’s only the Torah that purifies a person and he doesn’t have it, so he remains in a bad situation. There’s nothing worse than missing Torah in one’s life, and if a person doesn’t have enough Torah in his life no matter how much he davens for it, he’s certainly missing something big and it’s not a good thing for him to be in this situation, as we can see with what happens to people who don’t learn. So it’s doesn’t make sense how Hashem doesn’t answer all my tefillos. I am one of His children and asking Him for siyata d’shmaya - why am I not being answered? It’s a strong question. Not only that, but Hashem Himself commands us to want this and He wants it more than His children want it, and He knows how much good will come from the Torah if His children are successful in it, especially in this generation where the only true way to be a ben Torah is to be in the beis midrash and learn Torah diligently amidst closeness to Hashem, and we can see simply how in this generation so many are sad because they don’t have this, or they are sinking lower because of this deficiency, each person on his own level. Why does Hashem allow this to go on?
2) I am aware that when a person is missing something, this can be a catalyst for developing more of a relationship with Hashem, but if a person is missing something for a long time no matter how much he davens to get it, his connection to Hashem will weaken because he feels that he is far from Hashem because Hashem isn’t answering him. Certainly every case is different and it depends on what a person is missing and how much he is davening for it, it depends on the person and on how much he davened, but generally that is feeling, that a person will feel so far from Hashem when he isn’t being answered no matter how much he davens.
3) Talking to Hashem throughout the day would make sense if it’s a two-way street (so to speak) in the relationship with Hashem, but if one’s relationship with Hashem feels like a one-way street, where a person just talks and talks to Hashem and nothing is happening from all of his tefillos, there’s no relationship being created from this. The opposite happens, in fact. At first I used to daven so much to Hashem, but as time went on I stopped myself and thought, “Is anything really happening from all of this? What changed? Are my tefillos being accepted? Is Hashem speaking back to me? Maybe in previous generations this worked, and maybe there are a few special people in today’s times who this works for, but not in today’s times!” This is what it seems to be…
ANSWER
Even what we are missing in our ruchniyus is good for a person. It is through missing these things that one rises higher in the end, because it makes him yearn for even more ruchniyus. “More light comes from darkness.” Light (success) comes from darkness (failures and difficulties), be it physical darkness or spiritual darkness (one’s spiritual shortcomings). The light that comes after one’s darkness is a much greater light than any light which isn’t preceded by darkness. All of one’s spiritual difficulties, which are a form of darkness, are the tools by which a person can receive a greater light, which he wouldn’t have been able to receive had he not gone through the hard work of trying to remove his spiritual darkness.
Think well about these words, and then your perspective will change about your situation. It will be a truer perspective than the way you are seeing your situation of ruchniyus right now. It is upon you to gain this perspective of יתרון אור מהחושך, that more light comes precisely from darkness. In addition to that, the Ramchal writes in Derech Hashem and Daas Tvunos two general reasons why we need to undergo exertion and challenges in serving Hashem. (1) Because good cannot come to a person unless he first undergoes difficulty and tests – it doesn’t come to his as a gift. (2) So that it shouldn’t feel like nahama d’kisufa, “bread of shame”, meaning that if he doesn’t work hard to succeed, he will feel ashamed, because a recipient feels embarrassed to take something from his giver when he doesn’t deserve it at all. That is why hard work is needed in order to get anything good.
2) You feel like you have davened so long for the things you are asking for and that it’s taking too much time, but that’s all according to the way you understand it. Hashem has endless reasons, because He is called EinSof (Infinite), and according to His thinking which is infinite, the amount of tefillos that you need to spend on davening for something is the exact amount that you need to be putting it, nothing less and nothing more. You need to believe that this is all for your ultimate good. And Chazal taught that some tefillos are answered right away while other tefillos are answered at a later time. A tefillah may be answered 20 years later – and it’s all for your good, even for the good of your ruchniyus.
3) The purpose of davening to Hashem personal tefillos is not mainly so that your tefillos will be accepted and answered. It is all a tool to create a relationship with Him. So the main thing is not to request of Hashem, “Give me this and give me that”. Rather, the purpose is to speak with Him. Examples include thanking Him for what gave you, telling Him everything that is happening to you, and amidst that conversation with Him you can also include requests to Him. What is needed here is a change of perspective. Change you way you think about it – see it all from a different perspective, one which is far deeper.
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