QUESTION:
When trying to teach our daughters about dressing according to tzniyus, we find that social pressure really gets in the way of this, because not everyone adheres to all the parameters of tzniyus. How can we teach about tzniyus to our daughters in a way that they won’t feel a negative attitude towards tzniyus?
ANSWER:
You have asked such a difficult question, because the generation today is so parutz (carefree towards halachah) even by the families who are called bnei Torah, and even in the homes that are called the chashuvim (the most prominent ones).
The underlying theme to give over is: To ingrain in them the ratzon Hashem (what Hashem wants) about tzniyus, to explain to them the inner essence of tzniyus in a way that the girls will gain a more internal understanding of tzniyus, and in this way, they will feel more connected in their neshamah, to tzniyus.
That is all in terms of the inner attitude to have towards tzniyus, but concerning the external aspects, you need to know what the personal level of each girl is, what her personality is, and what her challenges are. This is not something that can be written about in a response. But generally speaking, you should teach them to always think: Is this permitted, or is this forbidden, by (G-d fearing) Rabbonim?
You should also teach them that every generation has its nisyonos (challenges), and many times, most of the generation didn’t pass the tests. In our generation, we have a nisayon in the area of the tzniyus of women’s clothing, which are causing man to stare at them, and most are not passing this nisayon. Tell them: “The choice is in your hands. Do we want to follow most of the generation, which is not passing the test and heading towards Gehinnom? Or do we want to be with the few who will be in Gan Eden, who will have d’veykus in Hashem?”
This will be her own choice, and it will be part of the choices that she will make in her life. The father’s avodah is to explain to her clearly what her different options are, and what Hashem desires. This should all be discussed with her pleasantly and calmly.
Whenever you give your daughters money to buy clothing, explain to them “Buy what Hashem wants you to buy”, and you don’t need to get into all the details.
As for the girls, it is upon them to feel that their father really wants to purely do what Hashem wants, and that he wants to do what’s good for them, he feels the difficulty of their challenge, he is happy with their successes, even their smallest success. They should also feel that their father wants what’s best for their ruchniyus and also their gashmiyus , in general.
The underlying theme to give over is: To ingrain in them the ratzon Hashem (what Hashem wants) about tzniyus, to explain to them the inner essence of tzniyus in a way that the girls will gain a more internal understanding of tzniyus, and in this way, they will feel more connected in their neshamah, to tzniyus.
That is all in terms of the inner attitude to have towards tzniyus, but concerning the external aspects, you need to know what the personal level of each girl is, what her personality is, and what her challenges are. This is not something that can be written about in a response. But generally speaking, you should teach them to always think: Is this permitted, or is this forbidden, by (G-d fearing) Rabbonim?
You should also teach them that every generation has its nisyonos (challenges), and many times, most of the generation didn’t pass the tests. In our generation, we have a nisayon in the area of the tzniyus of women’s clothing, which are causing man to stare at them, and most are not passing this nisayon. Tell them: “The choice is in your hands. Do we want to follow most of the generation, which is not passing the test and heading towards Gehinnom? Or do we want to be with the few who will be in Gan Eden, who will have d’veykus in Hashem?”
This will be her own choice, and it will be part of the choices that she will make in her life. The father’s avodah is to explain to her clearly what her different options are, and what Hashem desires. This should all be discussed with her pleasantly and calmly.
Whenever you give your daughters money to buy clothing, explain to them “Buy what Hashem wants you to buy”, and you don’t need to get into all the details.
As for the girls, it is upon them to feel that their father really wants to purely do what Hashem wants, and that he wants to do what’s good for them, he feels the difficulty of their challenge, he is happy with their successes, even their smallest success. They should also feel that their father wants what’s best for their ruchniyus and also their gashmiyus , in general.
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