Question:
How can I wake up early in the morning to do hisbodedus, if I went to a wedding or a Sheva Berachos last night? What is the Ratzon Hashem – that I go to simchos and thereby lose out on hisbodedus, or is the ratzon Hashem that I do hisbodedus and ignore going to simchos? How do I reconcile the contradiction between hisbodedus and the various mitzvos of chesed I have to do in my life? What exactly does Hashem want from me?
Answer:
It is never possible to know exactly what Hashem wants from you. We can know the direction we need to take and to slowly align ourselves with what we know we need to do.
If you are faced with something that you must take care of, then you have no choice, and you have to do it, even if it will take you away from hisbodedus. But if it is question of doing an act of chessed vs. not being able to do hisbodedus properly, then it depends. If any act of chessed you are doing is taking out of hisbodedus, then it is a sign that the act of chesed you are doing is above your level. If it is an event which will cause you to lose focus on hisbodedus for a day or so, then it is fine for you to do such acts of chessed, because you will be able to return to your concentration the next day. But if it’s an act of chessed that’s disturbing your hisbodedus for a long amount of time [such as more than a day], such chessed is above your level and you should not engage in it, because it is not worth losing your state of hisbodedus.
I want to add that the point is not for you to remain forever in a state of hisbodedus and never engage in chessed. Rather, there are times in which you must temporarily avoid certain acts of chessed, so that you can be able to hold onto your hisbodedus. The eventual goal should be to be able to do chessed in a way that doesn’t take you out of hisbodedus. If you have reached the depth of hisbodedus, doing chesed and having ahavas Yisrael doesn’t ruin your concentration on hisbodedus. It is just that in the beginning stage of hisbodedus, when you haven’t yet acquired a deep level of chessed and ahavas Yisrael, the avodah is instead to keep the focus on hisbodedus and to avoid doing acts of chessed that will make you lose your concentration.
Categories
