Question:
The Rav has said that in order for a couple to improve their marital peace, a couple needs to find the element that they are both strong in [in the positive sense], and from there onward, they can go about building their marriage. My wife and I have opposite elements. I am mainly dominated by the element of earth, and my wife by wind. Many fights erupt between us, as a result. Through the kindness of Hashem upon us, we both have been graced with a strong element of water, and we are trying to fulfill the advice of the Rav. However, it is not clear to us how we can build our marriage through working with our common element – in our case, the element of water, which is mainly about getting pleasure. (I am asking this question assuming that I have understood the Rav’s approach). Does that mean that we need to go out to eat together in restaurants and eat very appetizing food there, together? Does it mean that we need to experience a lot of pleasure together? It seems that this would only cause our spirituality to sink, on many levels. I would be happy for guidance on this matter. Thank you.Answer:
Before we consider how to build a marriage through finding the common element between you, a husband and wife are able to build their marital peace in several other ways as well. Here are some examples:
- Each of the spouses should connect to their true self, their “I”, and from reaching that place they can build a relationship with each other. Meaning, when the husband is living his own internal world, and the wife is also living her own internal world, they will be able to connect to the other, in a way that suits each of their personal soul structure and their true inner abilities, without having to do trespass each of their personal boundaries [the natural limitations of their personal soul], and without having to trespass the boundaries [the natural limitations of the soul] of the other spouse.
- Each spouse can offer his or her best to other spouse, which in turn will create a strong connection to each other. Practically speaking: (1) The husband should recognize his nature well and what his most positive aspect is, and then connect to that point and receive vitality and joy from it. (2) The wife should recognize her nature well and what her most positive aspect is, and connect to that point and receive vitality and joy from it. (3) Each of the spouses should make good use of hisher strong positive point, in order to be hisher best to other spouse and create a connection to each other through each of their positive points.
- The above is especially true in your case, where your dominant element is earth and your wife’s is wind (as you said), the benefits which you can each give to each other are tremendous, because earth and wind are opposite elements, and they each complete the other. For example, the earth-dominant husband can prove a wind-dominant wife with more stability and consistency, while the wind-dominant wife can provide the earth-dominant husband with more movement and expansion.
- A fundamental rule is, that all opposites bear the same root. Therefore, what is found in you is also found in her, and whatever is found in her is also found in you. So each spouse needs to find how there are traces of hisher main positive points in the other one. Alternatively, each of the spouses should see how some positive aspects of the other spouse also exist within himself or herself. Through either of these ways, they can each find common strong points that they share and build their relationship from this.
- Now let’s speak about what it means to build the relationship together from finding their common strong point. Firstly, each of the spouses needs to do the inner work of balancing out hisher dominant element, and to learn how to direct it towards holiness [how it can be used in a constructive way]. After that, they can each use the balanced element as a common point between them.
Alternatively, they can each find qualities in either of their personalities which are already repaired, and then they can use these aspects as a common point that can connect them together. Along with this, they should also aspire to further increase upon those qualities.
If the above cannot be done, then, as a last-resort option, one of the spouses should find hisher strongest good point and guide the other spouse on how to improve in that area – but only if the other spouse agrees to this. They can then use this as their common connecting point. Understandably, this kind of approach will only work if they both choose to do so together, and if they are both very willing to make changes.
In certain instances, the common element between the spouses should be used in order to provide a connecting point between them, even if the connecting point in question is on the level of the ‘animal’ level of the soul, as in the example you are presenting in your question [going to eat in restaurants, which provides outlet for the element of waterpleasure that is dominant in you and in your wife]. But even when that is the case, you should still try to infuse some holiness into it. For example, you can eat good-tasting food together on Shabbos, when there is a mitzvah to have oneg (pleasure) on Shabbos, or by any meal that is a seudas mitzvah.
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