Question:
My nature is that I am a bit sensitive. Before I got into learning Gemara in-depth, I could easily converse with others and have a good time with them. Now I am more serious about my learning, I analyze what I learn with in-depth study, but ever since my learning has matured, I am strangely finding myself more sensitive and deeply hurt from the comments of others. Also, before I got into learning, I had a funny personality and I always had a good joke to say, and in general I had an easy time socially. But now I feel like I can’t talk as quickly as I used to, and I also feel like my friendships aren’t as strong as they used to be. I feel like my most of my conversations with others are too superficial and not ‘real’ conversations, and that they are just full of humor and jokes. If only I could find new friends. But at this point in my life, I can’t find new friends and I am surrounded all the time by more ‘external, superficial’ kinds of people that I can’t really have serious conversations with. This problem has caused a lot of imbalance to come upon my neshamah. I feel depressed, because I had always wanted to live with more meaning and more deeply, with more Torah in my life, but on the other hand it has made me very depressed because I can’t connect that much to those around me. And when I feel that distance from others, I become really depressed.
Can the Rav explain what is happening to me and how I can continue to live a more internal kind of life while staying connected with friends even though they are more external and superficial than I am? And can the Rav explain to me why I have suddenly become so much more sensitive to the comments that others make to me, and how I can change how I feel about this? Thank you to the Rav from the depths of my heart, for all of the guidance.
Answer:
With the more you get into your learning, learning with iyun (in-depth analysis), the more you are entering into the “inner world”, which is a serious, level-headed place to be in, and which is the very opposite of light-headedness (kalus hadaas). When people are light-headed, when they have kalus hadaas and they aren’t serious, they will have a lifestyle of being funny, humorous, and joking most of the time, etc.
You can try to start off your conversations with something funny, but it should also be something that contains depth, thinking, which carries weight and importance to it. This is the balance between inner depth and the world of light-headedness and humor. It is the first step that’s part of a greater process.
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