INTOLERANCE TO THE SLIGHTEST CRITICISM [#17945]

I am a 21-year old bochur and I feel like I’m choking – having gone through so many years of enduring my life. From a young age I was sensitive and anxious. I could be happy until the sky’s limit but I could also have long bouts of sadness. I also got excited when I saw people who have bitachon, and I tried to copy them. From a young age, the way I solved my issues was by running away and leaving behind any place where I couldn’t stand. I felt a lot of sibling rivalry towards my brother if he was chosen instead of me for something. Whenever I was criticized with words like “You’re weird” or “You’re annoying”, I felt broken and I would cry. I felt like I was nothing and that I had no value. I am afraid of getting married because I don’t want my spouse to lower my self-esteem even more with criticism. I can’t take criticism. I’m afraid I will get a ‘dominating’ wife who will be too critical of me and break me. My father was abusive and he forced the Torah on me. In yeshiva I got beat up a lot and insulted by other kids. I feel like I’m always cold, it’s my personality, and I don’t easily smile. It’s difficult for me to see people who are apathetic and I, too, have grown very critical of others, and I have difficulty accepting others when I find fault with other.
For example, when I find people who are apathetic and not spiritual enough, or when people tell me to do something, I become afraid and I feel insulted and angry. I’ve lost my taste for life, I feel like my feelings are gone. I can’t take my vicious cycle anymore. I want to stop being so critical of the reality around me, I want to stop getting insulted over every small word that people say to me.
But mainly I feel so hurt that Hashem put me in this situation where I’m so easily insulted and hurt. I really try to be better and to overcome my yetzer hora and learn more Torah. Every time I get insulted from another, I feel hurt that Hashem put me in this situation where I’m so sensitive and easily hurt. I feel like I am totally moser nefesh for Hashem, through davening, Shabbos, learning and doing chessed. I wish I could stop getting hurt and insulted by others and that Hashem would protect me. I wish Hashem would give me more bitachon in Him and show me that He’s with me in my pain. I wish Hashem would guide me on how to reach my tikkun so that I won’t have to go through any more pain.
I would be happy if the Rav can help me understand what the root of my issues are, and if I’m too self-absorbed how I can love myself in a healthy way, and how I can still like myself even when others insult me….I’ve been broken too much. I feel so limited and so vulnerable and helpless. Anyone can come and just destroy me with a little blow. I can’t free myself from these feelings, I am always getting insulted and hurt, and I feel totally helpless to do anything about it!
Save me, Rav, because I’ve tried more than once to find the root of my issues.

You are too connected to what you don’t have. You are too focused on the shortcomings of others, on their criticism and on your shortcomings. And you can’t take any more, so you can’t tolerate when anyone else exposes any of your shortcomings and you are always very drawn to whatever you’re missing or whatever’s not right with you. The root of your tikkun is to become connected to all that is good and positive. Take a pen and paper and write down all of your good points. Then list them in order of priority. Then, connect to your good points, mainly your strongest point. Become aware of it and utilize it more often. Whenever you are faced with difficulty, make sure to “escape” to your strongest good point and focus on it. This is how you will build for yourself a “world that is entirely good”, and with every difficulty you will have a good place in yourself to escape to: your best quality. There are steps that need to come after that too, but this is a “good” beginning!