QUESTION:
I very much want to acquire the concept of “nullifying the ego”, bittul ani, which would help me let go of myself more and which would be the greatest redemption for my soul. But I have a hard time with this idea when it comes to 2 areas in my life: When I am learning in kolel, and when I am at home. When I am at yeshiva, I learn in a huge kolel and I’m just another guy sitting and learning. On one hand, it’s an opportunity for me to let go of my ego and just melt into the surroundings, which would help me feel more bittul ani, but many times I feel like I want to stand out in the kolel and to be noticed more and held in esteem by others. Also, at home, when my wife argues with me or complains about something, she hurls lines at me that are hurtful to me. On one hand, I feel like it’s an opportunity for me to let go of my ego and work on bittul, but on the other hand I find it too hard. Am I supposed to use such situations as opportunities to let go of my ego, or am I supposed to just be quiet and accept the suffering with love, even though my ego is hurting?
ANSWER:
When you are learning in a big yeshiva or kolel, your avodah is both – to find your own individuality as well as nullify your ego by melting in with everyone else. However, you need to act according to your level right now. When you feel lowly about yourself, you should awaken your individuality and focus on your mind on your accomplishments and strengths. When you feel conceited and full of yourself, you should allow yourself to let go of your ego. Many times, though, you will need to take your mind off this matter entirely, and just concentrate on your learning, and ignoring what’s going around you.
At home, when your wife is arguing or fighting with you, you should realize that part of what she is saying is correct, and you need to consider how you should change your behavior towards her. Usually, the course of action to take when your wife hurls insults at you is to be quiet and accept the suffering with love. When you are at a heightened state of consciousness, you can sometimes work on the concept of nullifying your ego.
At home, when your wife is arguing or fighting with you, you should realize that part of what she is saying is correct, and you need to consider how you should change your behavior towards her. Usually, the course of action to take when your wife hurls insults at you is to be quiet and accept the suffering with love. When you are at a heightened state of consciousness, you can sometimes work on the concept of nullifying your ego.
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