QUESTION:
Is there a kind of hisbodedus and tefillah that a person can do in order to increase his ahavas yisrael?
ANSWER:
Contemplate what achdus (true unity) is. First think about the concept of achdus Hashem (the unity of Hashem with all of the worlds), and think of the unity between the Creator and all His creations, and then think of the unity that must exist between all created beings. Gain a perspective of achdus on everything, and then from the depth of achdus that one reaches on his own level, one should daven for that achdus to be revealed.
QUESTION 2) Will speaking about ahavas yisrael help us internalize in our heart what we know about ahavas yisrael? For example if we repeat the verse “V’ohavta l’reiacha kamocha” several times and we say it from our heart, will the ahavas yisrael sink into our hearts?
ANSWER Yes!
QUESTION 3) Is there a kosher way for women to work on ahavas yisrael towards men, and the same vice versa, without compromising on halachah?
ANSWER A woman should not work on ahavas yisrael towards another individual man (and vice versa), only on loving a certain community, or loving the rest of Klal Yisrael on a collective level.
QUESTION 4) If I hate someone, can I imagine people that I love as if they’re all standing in a circle, and then imagine the person I hate that he’s standing in that circle of people I love?
ANSWER Yes, but don’t do this so much, because heavy use of the imagination can lead to imbalance and other problems.
QUESTION 5) Why is hatred the opposite of love? Hatred seems to imply that there is a connection between me and the other – since I am bothered by the lack of connection with the other, I hate him, because of the tension between us. But that is a kind of connection. Hatred doesn’t necessarily have to be an indication that I don’t love the other. The opposite of love seems to be “apathy” or “indifference” to the other – to have no feeling for the other, not love and not hatred.
ANSWER Any two opposite concepts will always bear one root. At the root, the opposite of love is hate. But at the branches, hate can show up as indifference to another, lack of connection to another, etc.
QUESTION 6) The Rav explained that women connect to each through emotion and not through an intellectual connection of daas. But weren’t there women who had a lot of wisdom and daas, such as Devorah the prophetess, Beruriah the wife of Rebbi Meir, and the wife of On ben Peles, etc.
ANSWER For every general rule there are always exceptions.
QUESTION 7) What is the meaning of “Women have light daas”? Does it mean that women don’t have daas and they don’t have seichel and they only have emotion?
ANSWER It means that their daas isn’t complete. They have “light” daas, but they do have daas. In the terms of Kabbalah, women have daas d’Gevuros (the “judgments”) but they are missing daas d’Chassadim (the “kindnesses”). That is the meaning of what Chazal say that women are very analytical and judgmental of guests who come to their home. In more inner language, women are lacking the ability to “integrate opposites”.
QUESTION 8) If a person only does kindness for his family, why does this mean that he doesn’t have ahavas yisrael yet? How can it be that such a person is really still self-absorbed? It’s certainly difficult to be busy all day with the family and it takes a lot of energy, so why is taking care of one’s family still a degree of self-absorption and not yet ahavas yisrael? With the parent-child relationship it makes sense that it’s not ahavas yisrael because a parent naturally loves their child, for the child is their extension, but a couple doing chessed for each other and getting along with each other does not come natural to them so why can’t that be called ahavas yisrael?
ANSWER The love that one has for his children is because they comes from his body, because they were born from him, and because they are garments of his soul, but this love has nothing to do with ahavas yisrael. Love between spouses is often because they have no choice but to get along with each other and learn how to love each other, and a husband has an obligation to love his wife like his own body. So love for one’s spouse and children is only a small “spark” of ahavas yisrael.
QUESTION 9) What does it mean that a person is acting (1) above his capabilities (2) when a person is acting above his shoresh neshamah (soul level), and (3) when a person acts above his current level? They all sound like the same thing.
ANSWER When one acts above his capabilities, it means that he is exhausting his physical abilities and he won’t be able to handle it. When one acts above his current level, it means that he is acting above his current level of pnimiyus that he’s on right now. When one acts above his soul root, it means that he is doing something that’s not meant for him to do. With most people, their current actual level is not aligned with their soul root [even if they are according to their current level, it is not aligned with their soul root, and vice versa].
QUESTION 10) When hating a sinner (which repairs him), does a person need to hate the sinner himself or just the evil acts that the sinner does?
ANSWER To hate the evil acts that he does.
QUESTION 11) What is the difference between the highest level of love, which is love that transcends logic (Echad/oneness), and unconditional love? They are both a love that isn’t dependent on any reason.
ANSWER Unconditional love (love that is not dependent on anything) is when the love is above any factors, but it’s still a logical kind of love because there’s still some reason to love the other. For example, in a father’s love for his child, he loves his child in spite of what the child does, but he still loves his child because this is his child. In contrast, the highest level of love which goes beyond logic is when there is no rational reason to love the other – it is to be intrinsically one with the other, in a way that transcends all logical reasoning.
QUESTION 12) If a person can deeply feel another person and because of this he can’t stay centered within himself, is there a way for him to know when his love for another is coming from an unhealthy place (nefesh habehaimis) and not from true ahavas yisrael? And is there a way to fix this problem of getting “consumed” in others? This problem is especially common in women, who are more emotional by nature and when they feel love and worry for another person, they over-identify with the other and they “merge” with their friend, and then they can fall into depression over every trouble that happens to their friend, etc.
ANSWER If the love is clean from ulterior motivations, then it is a love for the other that comes from one’s neshamah. If the love isn’t clean from ulterior motivations, then the love is stemming from one’s animal level of the soul (nefesh habehaimis). The way to fix the problem of becoming overly consumed in one’s love for another and getting too stuck in the other’s issues is, by learning how to have a deep connection to one’s inner self as well as to deeply attach oneself to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. To the degree that one does this, one will be less [co-]dependent on others.
QUESTION 13) What about a person who feels very stressed out from others as a result of his ahavas yisrael because he is always so involved with joining others in their pain? How can he continue to work on his ahavas yisrael without getting stressed from the pain of others?
ANSWER One should join in another’s pain only to the emotional extent that he can handle, and not beyond what he can handle emotionally.
QUESTION 14) What about a person who forgets about himself or he forgets about his family when he’s involved with giving to others? What causes this and how can he fix this problem?
ANSWER If the love is coming from deep in his soul, then it is a revelation of the root of love that transcends logic, or it is at least a spark of it. If the love is only superficial, though, it will create an imbalance in one’s soul [causing one to misplace his priorities on where he should be expending all his love and kindness on]. In either case, though, a person needs to fix himself by learning how to have a balance the faculties in his soul. This is an expansive topic.
QUESTION 15) Are there priorities in ahavas yisrael, i.e. wife first, children second, followed by parents, then friends, then community, then the rest of Klal Yisrael?
ANSWER Yes, family and relatives must come before all else. Refer to answer 5 above.
QUESTION 16) If a person doesn’t love himself that much should he not work on ahavas yisrael? Does he first need to love himself well in order to work on ahavas yisrael?
ANSWER He should first work on attaining a healthy self-love, and only after that should he work on developing more ahavas yisrael.
QUESTION 17) If I feel apathetic and indifferent to someone, does that mean I hate him?
ANSWER On a subconscious level, yes.
QUESTION 18) If I only have a “spark” of ahavas yisrael (especially if it’s a degree of the highest level of ahavas yisrael), is there any gain from this?
ANSWER Certainly!
QUESTION 2) Will speaking about ahavas yisrael help us internalize in our heart what we know about ahavas yisrael? For example if we repeat the verse “V’ohavta l’reiacha kamocha” several times and we say it from our heart, will the ahavas yisrael sink into our hearts?
ANSWER Yes!
QUESTION 3) Is there a kosher way for women to work on ahavas yisrael towards men, and the same vice versa, without compromising on halachah?
ANSWER A woman should not work on ahavas yisrael towards another individual man (and vice versa), only on loving a certain community, or loving the rest of Klal Yisrael on a collective level.
QUESTION 4) If I hate someone, can I imagine people that I love as if they’re all standing in a circle, and then imagine the person I hate that he’s standing in that circle of people I love?
ANSWER Yes, but don’t do this so much, because heavy use of the imagination can lead to imbalance and other problems.
QUESTION 5) Why is hatred the opposite of love? Hatred seems to imply that there is a connection between me and the other – since I am bothered by the lack of connection with the other, I hate him, because of the tension between us. But that is a kind of connection. Hatred doesn’t necessarily have to be an indication that I don’t love the other. The opposite of love seems to be “apathy” or “indifference” to the other – to have no feeling for the other, not love and not hatred.
ANSWER Any two opposite concepts will always bear one root. At the root, the opposite of love is hate. But at the branches, hate can show up as indifference to another, lack of connection to another, etc.
QUESTION 6) The Rav explained that women connect to each through emotion and not through an intellectual connection of daas. But weren’t there women who had a lot of wisdom and daas, such as Devorah the prophetess, Beruriah the wife of Rebbi Meir, and the wife of On ben Peles, etc.
ANSWER For every general rule there are always exceptions.
QUESTION 7) What is the meaning of “Women have light daas”? Does it mean that women don’t have daas and they don’t have seichel and they only have emotion?
ANSWER It means that their daas isn’t complete. They have “light” daas, but they do have daas. In the terms of Kabbalah, women have daas d’Gevuros (the “judgments”) but they are missing daas d’Chassadim (the “kindnesses”). That is the meaning of what Chazal say that women are very analytical and judgmental of guests who come to their home. In more inner language, women are lacking the ability to “integrate opposites”.
QUESTION 8) If a person only does kindness for his family, why does this mean that he doesn’t have ahavas yisrael yet? How can it be that such a person is really still self-absorbed? It’s certainly difficult to be busy all day with the family and it takes a lot of energy, so why is taking care of one’s family still a degree of self-absorption and not yet ahavas yisrael? With the parent-child relationship it makes sense that it’s not ahavas yisrael because a parent naturally loves their child, for the child is their extension, but a couple doing chessed for each other and getting along with each other does not come natural to them so why can’t that be called ahavas yisrael?
ANSWER The love that one has for his children is because they comes from his body, because they were born from him, and because they are garments of his soul, but this love has nothing to do with ahavas yisrael. Love between spouses is often because they have no choice but to get along with each other and learn how to love each other, and a husband has an obligation to love his wife like his own body. So love for one’s spouse and children is only a small “spark” of ahavas yisrael.
QUESTION 9) What does it mean that a person is acting (1) above his capabilities (2) when a person is acting above his shoresh neshamah (soul level), and (3) when a person acts above his current level? They all sound like the same thing.
ANSWER When one acts above his capabilities, it means that he is exhausting his physical abilities and he won’t be able to handle it. When one acts above his current level, it means that he is acting above his current level of pnimiyus that he’s on right now. When one acts above his soul root, it means that he is doing something that’s not meant for him to do. With most people, their current actual level is not aligned with their soul root [even if they are according to their current level, it is not aligned with their soul root, and vice versa].
QUESTION 10) When hating a sinner (which repairs him), does a person need to hate the sinner himself or just the evil acts that the sinner does?
ANSWER To hate the evil acts that he does.
QUESTION 11) What is the difference between the highest level of love, which is love that transcends logic (Echad/oneness), and unconditional love? They are both a love that isn’t dependent on any reason.
ANSWER Unconditional love (love that is not dependent on anything) is when the love is above any factors, but it’s still a logical kind of love because there’s still some reason to love the other. For example, in a father’s love for his child, he loves his child in spite of what the child does, but he still loves his child because this is his child. In contrast, the highest level of love which goes beyond logic is when there is no rational reason to love the other – it is to be intrinsically one with the other, in a way that transcends all logical reasoning.
QUESTION 12) If a person can deeply feel another person and because of this he can’t stay centered within himself, is there a way for him to know when his love for another is coming from an unhealthy place (nefesh habehaimis) and not from true ahavas yisrael? And is there a way to fix this problem of getting “consumed” in others? This problem is especially common in women, who are more emotional by nature and when they feel love and worry for another person, they over-identify with the other and they “merge” with their friend, and then they can fall into depression over every trouble that happens to their friend, etc.
ANSWER If the love is clean from ulterior motivations, then it is a love for the other that comes from one’s neshamah. If the love isn’t clean from ulterior motivations, then the love is stemming from one’s animal level of the soul (nefesh habehaimis). The way to fix the problem of becoming overly consumed in one’s love for another and getting too stuck in the other’s issues is, by learning how to have a deep connection to one’s inner self as well as to deeply attach oneself to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. To the degree that one does this, one will be less [co-]dependent on others.
QUESTION 13) What about a person who feels very stressed out from others as a result of his ahavas yisrael because he is always so involved with joining others in their pain? How can he continue to work on his ahavas yisrael without getting stressed from the pain of others?
ANSWER One should join in another’s pain only to the emotional extent that he can handle, and not beyond what he can handle emotionally.
QUESTION 14) What about a person who forgets about himself or he forgets about his family when he’s involved with giving to others? What causes this and how can he fix this problem?
ANSWER If the love is coming from deep in his soul, then it is a revelation of the root of love that transcends logic, or it is at least a spark of it. If the love is only superficial, though, it will create an imbalance in one’s soul [causing one to misplace his priorities on where he should be expending all his love and kindness on]. In either case, though, a person needs to fix himself by learning how to have a balance the faculties in his soul. This is an expansive topic.
QUESTION 15) Are there priorities in ahavas yisrael, i.e. wife first, children second, followed by parents, then friends, then community, then the rest of Klal Yisrael?
ANSWER Yes, family and relatives must come before all else. Refer to answer 5 above.
QUESTION 16) If a person doesn’t love himself that much should he not work on ahavas yisrael? Does he first need to love himself well in order to work on ahavas yisrael?
ANSWER He should first work on attaining a healthy self-love, and only after that should he work on developing more ahavas yisrael.
QUESTION 17) If I feel apathetic and indifferent to someone, does that mean I hate him?
ANSWER On a subconscious level, yes.
QUESTION 18) If I only have a “spark” of ahavas yisrael (especially if it’s a degree of the highest level of ahavas yisrael), is there any gain from this?
ANSWER Certainly!
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